At least three times as many men die by suicide than women, while women are more likely to attempt suicide than are men.
Story 184
I was adopted as an infant. Growing up, I knew that fact and somehow always felt that I didn't fit in anywhere. It seems from a young age I was distracted, unsocial and very hateful of my adopted brother. I was a very mean and nasty child. I wanted a lot of attention, good or bad, and set my brother up for punishments of things I had done at home and at school. I hated the kids at school. I was always bullying someone. I had learning disabilities which were not diagnosed back then. I think I had ADHD from what I read now. I had a very difficult time getting through school. My adopted brother had a horrible temper and my family was dysfunctional because of him. He would call me names and always belittle me. After years of this abuse, I decided that I was ugly and stupid. As a teen, I got into drinking and sex. I would sleep with anyone looking for love. I was raised in a very religious family, so guilt was always there whenever I did anything. I thought I was going to hell anyways so who cared? My parents tried very hard to help me, but I had a very strained relationship with my adopted mom, which made things harder. I wanted to find my bio mother and family from as far back as I remember. I made it through high school because the teachers liked me and felt I always tried. I was a compulsive liar from my childhood days. I could get anyone to believe anything I said...except my parents. My brother and I developed a hatred for each other by the time we were adults.
I had 3 abortions before I was 20. All I wanted was to get married and have a child. I tried to manipulate many guys and finally talked one into marrying me. Unfortunately, he turned out to be emotionally abusive to me for many years and destroyed all of my self esteem. I was trying to work full time, raise 2 kids and manage a mental illness that I didn't understand. After my first child was born, I had a total breakdown. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. I still don't know what that means. I wanted to get out of my marriage but had no money and spent everything we had all of the time. I couldn't stop shopping, It made me feel better. I waited until the kids grew up and by that time, I felt worthless. I couldn't do my job anymore because of personality conflicts with co-workers. I had this amazing energy, so I could do the work of 2 people which really pissed off my co-workers. I was the boss’ pet. I felt absolutely trapped, like a caged animal. I would do my job at work and take off.
In the meantime, I met my biological mother and father. Turned out that my father was a selfish jerk and my mother and grandmother were bipolar. This didn't help much but for the first time I developed a meaningful relationship with my bio grandma. She was the only one who had ever understood me. She had tried suicide many times herself because no-one "got" her either. A few years after we met, she died. I was devastated. I felt my world collapse. At the same time, my daughter began having serious problems. When she was fifteen she developed depression and a thyroid problem. She gained 60 pounds in a few months and later I learned she was bullied so badly at school. She began cutting ad wanted to die. My ex was bloody useless! He blamed me for her problems and then emotionally abused her for years. My son always thought that everything we did was just to get attention from everyone. I had a huge fight with my brother and have not seen him for many years.
I was trying to do everything for everyone else and finally didn't want to live another day. I took bottles of pills and alcohol one day and my son came home and called 911. I hadn't taken enough to kill myself but I was trying. After that, I went home and tried to pick up the pieces. My ex was so mad at me for what I did. Things got worse. I had lost all of my friends. My biological family lived out of town, and I had no connection there anyways. Then I got involved with someone else's problems and couldn't cope with life so I tried a second time. This time I took pills and swallowed bleach. I have asthma. I was hoping my lungs would swell and I would suffocate to death. My family came home and I called out to my daughter and she called 911. I was taken to hospital after literally retching my insides out from the bleach. I felt this was a punishment of myself for all the hurt I had caused everyone. I blamed myself for everything that had happened. Who was I to be someone's mother, daughter, friend, wife? I was a nobody. I had no-one....but God. I was a Christian. I felt at the lowest time while being given charcoal to drink in the hospital that God was calling out to me...he would not let me die. I felt there must be a reason I am still here.
I went home from hospital and a month later met an amazing relative online who would be my mentor and I his. I went on disability. I moved out with my parents’ help to get my own place. They finally "got" me and realized they came close to losing me and that I was in a very bad place in my life. I took my daughter when I moved and things went downhill again trying to support myself and her when I couldn’t manage money or getting out of bed anymore. I have always felt that I was diagnosed wrong...that the meds didn't work right but I couldn't seem to get that through to my psychiatrist after 15 yrs of just trying to survive every day.
Eventually, I decided to run away. It was my saving grace to get away from my ex and try to go on living. I moved 3 hours away from my family where my mentor lived. We fell in love. He is 30 yrs older than I am, but had old fashioned values and upbringing on how to treat a lady...like my dad. After I moved, my father got increasingly sick with arthritis. He has been in chronic pain all of my life. I too then developed arthritis and am struggling with physical problems as well. It has been 5 yrs since my last attempt. I decided that I had to live but I had to make changes even though it scared me to death. Eventually my daughter came and lived with me for a year. I took her to the psych ward and told them that she had been in a youth program in her home town for 8 yrs that had done her no good and she was going to kill herself unless they helped her. She had as amazing doctor who rediagnosed her and changed her meds. She is now living the most amazing life. She has met a fab young man and has just passed college with honors. I never thought she would finish high school and would keep finding boyfriends who emotionally abused her like her father did. Thank God she has seen the light and is now a daughter that I am so glad to be able to talk to and understand.
My kids made me promise them that I would never try again to kill myself, or they would be right after me because they couldn't live with the fact that I felt no-one cared about me. This has been very hard at times, but I keep that thought always that it’s not just me. My parents and my mentor would all die of broken hearts if I left them. I contacted my daughter’s doctor. I told him her story and said I needed his help or I was afraid that someday that black cloud would be over me again if I couldn't cope. He is now seeing me and is changing my meds and working with me. For the first time in my life, I feel that I am getting stronger every day. I have quit my job and am now trying to start my own business. I think the biggest problem was trying to go through a school system and not understanding why I was so jealous, so angry and so distraught because I always felt stupid and I couldn’t fit in. This continued in my career and eventually my biological sister cut me off from my mother because she can't stand me either. I still don't have many friends, but I am on my own and excited to prove to myself that I have a right to be here.
I was an accident to my parents at a young age, but God doesn’t consider me an accident and neither does my family. All I needed along the way was a mentor, someone to have patience and listen and work with me to try and sort out what was always going wrong. I would love to be a mentor to a child with mental health issues. This starts in childhood and you have to know the signs to look for, I wanted to be a social worker but I have short term and long term memory loss. I am not sure if that is part of my mental illness but I can't study to get through school. I can't remember things right after I learn them. Still as an adult, that is very hard for me to understand. I am not perfect and I pray every day for God to get me through just one more day....one baby step at a time. I want to reach out and help. I want to save just one person's life and I feel that is the reason I am still here. I saved my daughter's life, so I know I can do more before I am ready to leave.
I am sorry if there are mistakes in my story. I could only write it once and I can't go back and read it again. It brings back too many upsetting feelings about my life that I have let go of and don't think about any more. I really hope I can help your research. I do feel that a big part of my problems stemmed from being adopted and feeling unloved by my biological mother and never connecting with my adopted one. This made the pain so much worse. I am now trying to live for myself...not everyone else. I can only do so much. I am only one person. But I am a SPECIAL person.